Many thanks for that. OK, here are the answers:
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are both phones in the car at the same time
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yes, when I tried pairing etc both phones were in the car, but always one has the blue tooth function dissabled to avoid confusing the system.
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and are you using the same car user profile for both you and your wife?
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yes. Do you think this might be the problem?
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Do you both use the same key or different keys?
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I only have the car since Wednesday, so yes, when I I tried pairing etc I used my key, not my wife's.
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How are the phones programmed to the system as Telephones or additional Telephones? The Handset has a little book on it if it will use the phone book.
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The conected phone appears under connected and the 'innactive' phone appears as 'paired'. Both phones have the phonebook icon next to them (like your moto, your nexus and your nokia)