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      09-19-2019, 07:06 AM   #4627
Rmtt
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Drives: 2011 BMW 128i, 2008 LS3 C6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaximusJ View Post
I was about to talk to someone about my current situation; but if i'm about to pay someone I dont know to get his opinion, why not try it here first. So here we go. Sorry in advance if that's a lot of information in one post; but i'm laying things down on the table as I see them.

I think i'm caught in a dating spiral. I'm out of a 10 years relationship for almost a year and a half now; after a couple years living together while it was officially over. Since then, i've got a few interesting dates, but every time a "girlfriend material" date happens, it never works out both ways. Long story short, when I'm into someone, its never reciprocal. I've saw some of those that I was considering "average / Lets see what happens" a few times, sometimes even starting something that starts like a relationship; only to realize a few weeks in that "I could do better"; and opting out of this semi-relationship. Not that I want to play games, or get what I could then run; but I feel that my mind is sometimes ready to "settle" on my available options and once it's going on, I change my mind and prefer to be patient; hoping that the right one will eventually show up. I'm caught in this spiral for almost a year now.

I know I do stuff that scares people away, but i'm working on it. When there's a strong connection pre-date, I get exited easily, anticipate a lot and I kinda prefer to being exited easily compared to be bored of it and think I already know where this will go.

Mind you, Except from that, I think I'm a very decent guy to date. I threat women well, I am not an asshole or a douche. Average looks; but a bit on the good side; good and decent paying job, great values, family guy, man of his word, not too intrusive, I respect boundaries, very respectful and I never do to others what I dont like being done to me; but I have to admit I got a good 20 pounds to lose (My ideal weight for my size is 195 pounds). But I think I wear that weight ok; still. I am sure that the right one, the last one, is right around the corner, but that will to chase the dream date/relationship makes me skip on people that cares a lot about me. This habit is kinda killing my fun of dating because right now i'm running in circles. I am ready to commit, but not in a rush either; but speaking to people that plays the game is kinda grinding my gears; so to say.

So all this comes to two questions; how do you avoid the "settling" situation. To me it's hard because I know you cant find the complete package somewhere; they're mostly all married with 12 kids, you have to lose some to get some. But every time I end up in a similar situation, I focus on the bad and forget the good. So I end up refusing to settle.

And the second one would be; in a dating world where if you dont text first, you dont get anything in return, how can you stop chasing? The dating sites here looks like there's 3 guys for every single gal available. I sometimes feel like if you dont chase, you already lost; how do you guys do it? I hate to push and chase, but sometimes that's the only way you'll end up with a solid date.

Thanks for reading this; and also for your kind thoughts about my situation. I think that if I dont change anything, I will be in that same situation 5 years from now. I feel like I deserve more from this dating situation.

To me .....it sounds like you are going into each date vested too much and looking as it to be the "one". Regardless of it you are aware of it or not, it's subconsciously the same thing as writing the word "Needy" across your forehead.

Not trying to sound like a dick...but dating is just that...dating. You go in with no preconceived notions other than having a good time out. Anymore than that and the other person can tell...I swear it's the truth.

My brother approached each date as it was the girl he would marry after his first divorce, only to end up married and divorced again. But never ever settle for anything as you will always have that in your mind.

When I started dating again, I wasn't looking for anything serious. And I could spot a needy person from a mile away. I looked at it like just throwing darts. Throw a bunch not really caring where they went...and ended up hitting "my" bullseye. It always seems to be the person you have no expectations of that ends up being the one. You never know when it may happen. I was single for 7 years and having a fine time until I got involved again.

Hell I waited a week after a first date with my current wife before even shooting her a text. All I did was ask how she was doing..and I hadn't heard from her. She promptly told me that she was fine, and that she felt like if I wanted to talk...I would contact her. Very independent. So I found out we were a lot alike personality wise.

Nether of us were looking or went out even thinking about what happens past that one night. We were both already happy and confident in our current situation, and knew we didn't need the validation of someone else.

So long story short...go out on the premise of it's all about you having fun. Of course don't be an ass around the other person, but don't start right off trying to show your "Husband Material". All you will do is attract the ones who are just as you described, or ones looking for a meal ticket.

You have to put yourself first. I did and it may seem like a bad thing. But I had been through a lot and didn't care anymore. And the only reason I texted my current wife back was more out of curiosity as she was the first woman who had never texted me after a date. Hell most of the time I went out, I would be getting texts within 3-4 hours of a date ending. That always scared me off!
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