Quote:
Originally Posted by bimmette
If you feel like you're settling, then you're with the wrong person. I rather be alone than settle.
Don't think of it as chasing. Put in the effort. If that effort isn't returned, move on.
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Agreed; and this is exactly what i'm doing. I get tired easily when the interest doesnt seem mutual. Its just a matter of self respect.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rmtt
To me .....it sounds like you are going into each date vested too much and looking as it to be the "one". Regardless of it you are aware of it or not, it's subconsciously the same thing as writing the word "Needy" across your forehead.
Not trying to sound like a dick...but dating is just that...dating. You go in with no preconceived notions other than having a good time out. Anymore than that and the other person can tell...I swear it's the truth.
My brother approached each date as it was the girl he would marry after his first divorce, only to end up married and divorced again. But never ever settle for anything as you will always have that in your mind.
When I started dating again, I wasn't looking for anything serious. And I could spot a needy person from a mile away. I looked at it like just throwing darts. Throw a bunch not really caring where they went...and ended up hitting "my" bullseye. It always seems to be the person you have no expectations of that ends up being the one. You never know when it may happen. I was single for 7 years and having a fine time until I got involved again.
Hell I waited a week after a first date with my current wife before even shooting her a text. All I did was ask how she was doing..and I hadn't heard from her. She promptly told me that she was fine, and that she felt like if I wanted to talk...I would contact her. Very independent. So I found out we were a lot alike personality wise.
Nether of us were looking or went out even thinking about what happens past that one night. We were both already happy and confident in our current situation, and knew we didn't need the validation of someone else.
So long story short...go out on the premise of it's all about you having fun. Of course don't be an ass around the other person, but don't start right off trying to show your "Husband Material". All you will do is attract the ones who are just as you described, or ones looking for a meal ticket.
You have to put yourself first. I did and it may seem like a bad thing. But I had been through a lot and didn't care anymore. And the only reason I texted my current wife back was more out of curiosity as she was the first woman who had never texted me after a date. Hell most of the time I went out, I would be getting texts within 3-4 hours of a date ending. That always scared me off!
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I get indeed invested, but I try to hide it and keep it to myself. I have to admit that I feel like every time I get less and less invested; so like I said, i'm working on it because I know they can see/feel it. My only expectation is to have a good time with the one I'm dating with. If we dont hit it off, we shake on it and move on. My issues are more related to the fact that the dates where I really want to move on dont; and the opposite is just as true. I try to avoid settling but at times it looks like the only option available if I want to get laid. So yeah, it happens and I end up regretting it. In those times, I try to be as honest as possible with my partner, but feelings always get in the way at one point or another. So I back out.
I think I go on my dates with a light mind; just chit chatting and try to avoid the question/answer type of date; I think it sucks for both parties. And I am not desperate to find "the one", I just try to keep in mind that she's there somewhere. I know how to close a date; but just seem to not be able to close (at least, get something more than just the physical aspect of it) those that looks like gf material. Not gonna use the wife material term as I never got married and most likely never will be, even if I have a few long term relationships.
Mind you, I am 42 years old. I know the game changed in the last 20 some years. I've never been "on the market" and never had to play this kinda game; always met women from "friends of friends" and things just worked. I think i'm doing ok, but just need to buff my dating skills. Now I have to admit I have that bad habit of texting right after the date; which could very well be where I Hara Kiri myself in the process. Not because I want a firm commitment to a second date or else, but more out of curiosity on how things went, making sure she got home ok and stuff like that. But I get that it can be perceived differently.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nyalpine90
i think you need some time off from dating and find yourself. do the things you like, have fun. When your ready to date, dont go fishing for the right one. Dont rush it trying to find the "one", because it wont happen over night.
When you date, just keep it simple and casual.
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Oh I take some time off here and there. Havent been on the market full time during this time. I dont hesitate to take a break when I feel I need it. And I prefer not to meet if i'm not into it.