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      09-17-2019, 12:15 PM   #4621
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CTinline-six View Post
Not sure what made me think of this now, but figured it would give you guys a laugh...

About 2 years ago I was walking through the parking lot at work on my way in. I had my old lifted Jeep Cherokee that day and a gorgeous girl in her late 20s parked next to me as I was getting out. I was exhausted since I had only 2 hours of sleep the night before, and she started making small talk.

She said: "Nice Jeep!"
I said: "Thanks, I've had it going on 9 years now".
She goes: "Oh, so you must not be afraid of commitment".
Me: "haha nope".

And we parted ways. What an IDIOT.
Funny how we all have those moments and then years later we realize how stupid we were in that very moment. This has happened to me more times that I care to mention.
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      09-18-2019, 04:26 PM   #4622
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CTinline-six View Post
Not sure what made me think of this now, but figured it would give you guys a laugh...

About 2 years ago I was walking through the parking lot at work on my way in. I had my old lifted Jeep Cherokee that day and a gorgeous girl in her late 20s parked next to me as I was getting out. I was exhausted since I had only 2 hours of sleep the night before, and she started making small talk.

She said: "Nice Jeep!"
I said: "Thanks, I've had it going on 9 years now".
She goes: "Oh, so you must not be afraid of commitment".
Me: "haha nope".

And we parted ways. What an IDIOT.
My freshman year of college I watched the movie Casino In a girl's bedroom ON HER BED and didn't do a damn thing, we were both single AF. I was probably scared/naive but also thought I was being a nice guy, later of course I realized I should have at least tried to see what was on her mind.



True to my luck, I ran in to her again probably 5-6 years later (confidence and experience gained) in a completely different city quite far away but at that point I was married (facepalm).
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      09-18-2019, 05:25 PM   #4623
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigrum View Post
My freshman year of college I watched the movie Casino In a girl's bedroom ON HER BED and didn't do a damn thing, we were both single AF. I was probably scared/naive but also thought I was being a nice guy, later of course I realized I should have at least tried to see what was on her mind.



True to my luck, I ran in to her again probably 5-6 years later (confidence and experience gained) in a completely different city quite far away but at that point I was married (facepalm).
Casino is a pretty good movie tho so I don't blame you
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      09-18-2019, 06:04 PM   #4624
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I was about to talk to someone about my current situation; but if i'm about to pay someone I dont know to get his opinion, why not try it here first. So here we go. Sorry in advance if that's a lot of information in one post; but i'm laying things down on the table as I see them.

I think i'm caught in a dating spiral. I'm out of a 10 years relationship for almost a year and a half now; after a couple years living together while it was officially over. Since then, i've got a few interesting dates, but every time a "girlfriend material" date happens, it never works out both ways. Long story short, when I'm into someone, its never reciprocal. I've saw some of those that I was considering "average / Lets see what happens" a few times, sometimes even starting something that starts like a relationship; only to realize a few weeks in that "I could do better"; and opting out of this semi-relationship. Not that I want to play games, or get what I could then run; but I feel that my mind is sometimes ready to "settle" on my available options and once it's going on, I change my mind and prefer to be patient; hoping that the right one will eventually show up. I'm caught in this spiral for almost a year now.

I know I do stuff that scares people away, but i'm working on it. When there's a strong connection pre-date, I get exited easily, anticipate a lot and I kinda prefer to being exited easily compared to be bored of it and think I already know where this will go.

Mind you, Except from that, I think I'm a very decent guy to date. I threat women well, I am not an asshole or a douche. Average looks; but a bit on the good side; good and decent paying job, great values, family guy, man of his word, not too intrusive, I respect boundaries, very respectful and I never do to others what I dont like being done to me; but I have to admit I got a good 20 pounds to lose (My ideal weight for my size is 195 pounds). But I think I wear that weight ok; still. I am sure that the right one, the last one, is right around the corner, but that will to chase the dream date/relationship makes me skip on people that cares a lot about me. This habit is kinda killing my fun of dating because right now i'm running in circles. I am ready to commit, but not in a rush either; but speaking to people that plays the game is kinda grinding my gears; so to say.

So all this comes to two questions; how do you avoid the "settling" situation. To me it's hard because I know you cant find the complete package somewhere; they're mostly all married with 12 kids, you have to lose some to get some. But every time I end up in a similar situation, I focus on the bad and forget the good. So I end up refusing to settle.

And the second one would be; in a dating world where if you dont text first, you dont get anything in return, how can you stop chasing? The dating sites here looks like there's 3 guys for every single gal available. I sometimes feel like if you dont chase, you already lost; how do you guys do it? I hate to push and chase, but sometimes that's the only way you'll end up with a solid date.

Thanks for reading this; and also for your kind thoughts about my situation. I think that if I dont change anything, I will be in that same situation 5 years from now. I feel like I deserve more from this dating situation.
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      09-18-2019, 09:05 PM   #4625
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And just so I stay on topic, here are a few experiences from the last year or so.

General consensus :
- Own your weight. Living a lie and hiding behind old pics is not gonna help you in any way!
- Why would you hide the fact that you smoke? This is kinda obvious when you dont smoke yourself.
- If you just want something physical; why dont you say it? Instead of playing the serious relationship game and change your mind after a date or two. Dont wait until one or the other is emotionally attached to tell him/her that you are not ready to commit.
- Please dont hide your serious illness or life threatening situation. Finding our that someone has MS or is bipolar after feelings are in the way is not easy to deal with for both sides. Lets just say it; it sucks.


Last summer, I was chatting with a Vietnamese on tinder (and quickly switched to sms afterwards) and the discussions were interesting; so we decided to meet. First date it was pretty dark outside, and I was tipsy; so I knew we had a good time, but didnt over-analyze anything (Mistake #1). But then she wanted to meet again; which I agreed to and we met at my place (Mistake #2). She was like 10X more stressed than the initial date; ended up drinking her stress and after a little while she was very wobbly and even fell on two occasions and had to puke. At this point I realized she had no intentions of going back home that night, but unfortunately it didnt end like she was expecting. I couldnt throw her out or call a cab since her car was here. She ended up sleeping on my couch with the garbage can besides her in case she needed to puke. There wasnt even anybody to watch, but still I felt embarrassed. That felt so weird that in the morning I waited until she woke up and left to get out of my bedroom. I told her I wasnt seeing any relationship potential and she kept calling me for a good month, telling me that she'd want to see me again and that she missed me and (Mistake #3) I was still answering because I didnt want to be a dick. But she wasnt processing the message. She finally understood when I stopped answering.


This other one is now the reason why I run away when they say they've been on the site for a few hours or days. On one night, I get a match, a "out of my league" kinda match. We end up chatting non stop from 6 pm to 1 am; had a few drinks and things were aligning perfectly. We traded our phone number so we can txt each other on the next day since we were both working. On that second day, I texted her in the middle of the morning; and never got an answer. Oh well, she was a cop and everything, so I didnt worry about it. But never got an answer. That second night, she was kinda distant, but she was so good looking that I knew there must have been dozens of guys lining up. And each next day our discussions were shorter and shorter. Until I took the bull by the horns and invited her over for dinner on that friday night. We were supposed to watch some Game of thrones after. The evening as a whole was to dream of. She refused to watch GoT saying that it was a backup plan in case we didnt hit it off. All night we were chatting almost nose to nose while tasting a few glasses too many of fine whiskey. Discussions were deep; she even ended up asking if I had my vasectomy! I asked if I could kiss her; which she responded that she didnt want to rush / spoil anything. At some point I am not sure what happened or not but we did kiss. And she ended up inviting herself to stay at my place. Since she didnt want to rush / spoil anything, I didnt make a move. In fact, I was kinda drunk and her too; and I was awake for almost 24h at this point. So I got in bed before her and fell asleep before she even came in bed (Fail; I know!). I woke up a few hours later and she already left (Clearly DUI; which I found weird; her being a cop). Later that day she told me that she wasnt seeing / feeling it and that, in fact, on thats night, while she was talking to me, she was thinking about someone else. This may sound stupid, but even if those news were devastating, it's still the best date I ever had in my whole life. That's how perfect it was. I cant shake the idea that if we would have met in another context; without all these guys after her, the outcome would have been completely different. But it is what it is; her loss. I still felt like being dumped for a good 2 to 3 weeks; and feeling uber stupid about it on top of it.
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      09-19-2019, 03:00 AM   #4626
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaximusJ View Post
I was about to talk to someone about my current situation; but if i'm about to pay someone I dont know to get his opinion, why not try it here first. So here we go. Sorry in advance if that's a lot of information in one post; but i'm laying things down on the table as I see them.

I think i'm caught in a dating spiral. I'm out of a 10 years relationship for almost a year and a half now; after a couple years living together while it was officially over. Since then, i've got a few interesting dates, but every time a "girlfriend material" date happens, it never works out both ways. Long story short, when I'm into someone, its never reciprocal. I've saw some of those that I was considering "average / Lets see what happens" a few times, sometimes even starting something that starts like a relationship; only to realize a few weeks in that "I could do better"; and opting out of this semi-relationship. Not that I want to play games, or get what I could then run; but I feel that my mind is sometimes ready to "settle" on my available options and once it's going on, I change my mind and prefer to be patient; hoping that the right one will eventually show up. I'm caught in this spiral for almost a year now.

I know I do stuff that scares people away, but i'm working on it. When there's a strong connection pre-date, I get exited easily, anticipate a lot and I kinda prefer to being exited easily compared to be bored of it and think I already know where this will go.

Mind you, Except from that, I think I'm a very decent guy to date. I threat women well, I am not an asshole or a douche. Average looks; but a bit on the good side; good and decent paying job, great values, family guy, man of his word, not too intrusive, I respect boundaries, very respectful and I never do to others what I dont like being done to me; but I have to admit I got a good 20 pounds to lose (My ideal weight for my size is 195 pounds). But I think I wear that weight ok; still. I am sure that the right one, the last one, is right around the corner, but that will to chase the dream date/relationship makes me skip on people that cares a lot about me. This habit is kinda killing my fun of dating because right now i'm running in circles. I am ready to commit, but not in a rush either; but speaking to people that plays the game is kinda grinding my gears; so to say.

So all this comes to two questions; how do you avoid the "settling" situation. To me it's hard because I know you cant find the complete package somewhere; they're mostly all married with 12 kids, you have to lose some to get some. But every time I end up in a similar situation, I focus on the bad and forget the good. So I end up refusing to settle.

And the second one would be; in a dating world where if you dont text first, you dont get anything in return, how can you stop chasing? The dating sites here looks like there's 3 guys for every single gal available. I sometimes feel like if you dont chase, you already lost; how do you guys do it? I hate to push and chase, but sometimes that's the only way you'll end up with a solid date.

Thanks for reading this; and also for your kind thoughts about my situation. I think that if I dont change anything, I will be in that same situation 5 years from now. I feel like I deserve more from this dating situation.
If you feel like you're settling, then you're with the wrong person. I rather be alone than settle.

Don't think of it as chasing. Put in the effort. If that effort isn't returned, move on.
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      09-19-2019, 07:06 AM   #4627
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaximusJ View Post
I was about to talk to someone about my current situation; but if i'm about to pay someone I dont know to get his opinion, why not try it here first. So here we go. Sorry in advance if that's a lot of information in one post; but i'm laying things down on the table as I see them.

I think i'm caught in a dating spiral. I'm out of a 10 years relationship for almost a year and a half now; after a couple years living together while it was officially over. Since then, i've got a few interesting dates, but every time a "girlfriend material" date happens, it never works out both ways. Long story short, when I'm into someone, its never reciprocal. I've saw some of those that I was considering "average / Lets see what happens" a few times, sometimes even starting something that starts like a relationship; only to realize a few weeks in that "I could do better"; and opting out of this semi-relationship. Not that I want to play games, or get what I could then run; but I feel that my mind is sometimes ready to "settle" on my available options and once it's going on, I change my mind and prefer to be patient; hoping that the right one will eventually show up. I'm caught in this spiral for almost a year now.

I know I do stuff that scares people away, but i'm working on it. When there's a strong connection pre-date, I get exited easily, anticipate a lot and I kinda prefer to being exited easily compared to be bored of it and think I already know where this will go.

Mind you, Except from that, I think I'm a very decent guy to date. I threat women well, I am not an asshole or a douche. Average looks; but a bit on the good side; good and decent paying job, great values, family guy, man of his word, not too intrusive, I respect boundaries, very respectful and I never do to others what I dont like being done to me; but I have to admit I got a good 20 pounds to lose (My ideal weight for my size is 195 pounds). But I think I wear that weight ok; still. I am sure that the right one, the last one, is right around the corner, but that will to chase the dream date/relationship makes me skip on people that cares a lot about me. This habit is kinda killing my fun of dating because right now i'm running in circles. I am ready to commit, but not in a rush either; but speaking to people that plays the game is kinda grinding my gears; so to say.

So all this comes to two questions; how do you avoid the "settling" situation. To me it's hard because I know you cant find the complete package somewhere; they're mostly all married with 12 kids, you have to lose some to get some. But every time I end up in a similar situation, I focus on the bad and forget the good. So I end up refusing to settle.

And the second one would be; in a dating world where if you dont text first, you dont get anything in return, how can you stop chasing? The dating sites here looks like there's 3 guys for every single gal available. I sometimes feel like if you dont chase, you already lost; how do you guys do it? I hate to push and chase, but sometimes that's the only way you'll end up with a solid date.

Thanks for reading this; and also for your kind thoughts about my situation. I think that if I dont change anything, I will be in that same situation 5 years from now. I feel like I deserve more from this dating situation.

To me .....it sounds like you are going into each date vested too much and looking as it to be the "one". Regardless of it you are aware of it or not, it's subconsciously the same thing as writing the word "Needy" across your forehead.

Not trying to sound like a dick...but dating is just that...dating. You go in with no preconceived notions other than having a good time out. Anymore than that and the other person can tell...I swear it's the truth.

My brother approached each date as it was the girl he would marry after his first divorce, only to end up married and divorced again. But never ever settle for anything as you will always have that in your mind.

When I started dating again, I wasn't looking for anything serious. And I could spot a needy person from a mile away. I looked at it like just throwing darts. Throw a bunch not really caring where they went...and ended up hitting "my" bullseye. It always seems to be the person you have no expectations of that ends up being the one. You never know when it may happen. I was single for 7 years and having a fine time until I got involved again.

Hell I waited a week after a first date with my current wife before even shooting her a text. All I did was ask how she was doing..and I hadn't heard from her. She promptly told me that she was fine, and that she felt like if I wanted to talk...I would contact her. Very independent. So I found out we were a lot alike personality wise.

Nether of us were looking or went out even thinking about what happens past that one night. We were both already happy and confident in our current situation, and knew we didn't need the validation of someone else.

So long story short...go out on the premise of it's all about you having fun. Of course don't be an ass around the other person, but don't start right off trying to show your "Husband Material". All you will do is attract the ones who are just as you described, or ones looking for a meal ticket.

You have to put yourself first. I did and it may seem like a bad thing. But I had been through a lot and didn't care anymore. And the only reason I texted my current wife back was more out of curiosity as she was the first woman who had never texted me after a date. Hell most of the time I went out, I would be getting texts within 3-4 hours of a date ending. That always scared me off!
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      09-19-2019, 07:23 AM   #4628
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaximusJ View Post
And just so I stay on topic, here are a few experiences from the last year or so.

General consensus :
- Own your weight. Living a lie and hiding behind old pics is not gonna help you in any way!
- Why would you hide the fact that you smoke? This is kinda obvious when you dont smoke yourself.
- If you just want something physical; why dont you say it? Instead of playing the serious relationship game and change your mind after a date or two. Dont wait until one or the other is emotionally attached to tell him/her that you are not ready to commit.
- Please dont hide your serious illness or life threatening situation. Finding our that someone has MS or is bipolar after feelings are in the way is not easy to deal with for both sides. Lets just say it; it sucks.


Last summer, I was chatting with a Vietnamese on tinder (and quickly switched to sms afterwards) and the discussions were interesting; so we decided to meet. First date it was pretty dark outside, and I was tipsy; so I knew we had a good time, but didnt over-analyze anything (Mistake #1). But then she wanted to meet again; which I agreed to and we met at my place (Mistake #2). She was like 10X more stressed than the initial date; ended up drinking her stress and after a little while she was very wobbly and even fell on two occasions and had to puke. At this point I realized she had no intentions of going back home that night, but unfortunately it didnt end like she was expecting. I couldnt throw her out or call a cab since her car was here. She ended up sleeping on my couch with the garbage can besides her in case she needed to puke. There wasnt even anybody to watch, but still I felt embarrassed. That felt so weird that in the morning I waited until she woke up and left to get out of my bedroom. I told her I wasnt seeing any relationship potential and she kept calling me for a good month, telling me that she'd want to see me again and that she missed me and (Mistake #3) I was still answering because I didnt want to be a dick. But she wasnt processing the message. She finally understood when I stopped answering.


This other one is now the reason why I run away when they say they've been on the site for a few hours or days. On one night, I get a match, a "out of my league" kinda match. We end up chatting non stop from 6 pm to 1 am; had a few drinks and things were aligning perfectly. We traded our phone number so we can txt each other on the next day since we were both working. On that second day, I texted her in the middle of the morning; and never got an answer. Oh well, she was a cop and everything, so I didnt worry about it. But never got an answer. That second night, she was kinda distant, but she was so good looking that I knew there must have been dozens of guys lining up. And each next day our discussions were shorter and shorter. Until I took the bull by the horns and invited her over for dinner on that friday night. We were supposed to watch some Game of thrones after. The evening as a whole was to dream of. She refused to watch GoT saying that it was a backup plan in case we didnt hit it off. All night we were chatting almost nose to nose while tasting a few glasses too many of fine whiskey. Discussions were deep; she even ended up asking if I had my vasectomy! I asked if I could kiss her; which she responded that she didnt want to rush / spoil anything. At some point I am not sure what happened or not but we did kiss. And she ended up inviting herself to stay at my place. Since she didnt want to rush / spoil anything, I didnt make a move. In fact, I was kinda drunk and her too; and I was awake for almost 24h at this point. So I got in bed before her and fell asleep before she even came in bed (Fail; I know!). I woke up a few hours later and she already left (Clearly DUI; which I found weird; her being a cop). Later that day she told me that she wasnt seeing / feeling it and that, in fact, on thats night, while she was talking to me, she was thinking about someone else. This may sound stupid, but even if those news were devastating, it's still the best date I ever had in my whole life. That's how perfect it was. I cant shake the idea that if we would have met in another context; without all these guys after her, the outcome would have been completely different. But it is what it is; her loss. I still felt like being dumped for a good 2 to 3 weeks; and feeling uber stupid about it on top of it.
i think you need some time off from dating and find yourself. do the things you like, have fun. When your ready to date, dont go fishing for the right one. Dont rush it trying to find the "one", because it wont happen over night.
When you date, just keep it simple and casual.
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      09-19-2019, 08:18 AM   #4629
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bimmette View Post
If you feel like you're settling, then you're with the wrong person. I rather be alone than settle.

Don't think of it as chasing. Put in the effort. If that effort isn't returned, move on.
Agreed; and this is exactly what i'm doing. I get tired easily when the interest doesnt seem mutual. Its just a matter of self respect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rmtt View Post
To me .....it sounds like you are going into each date vested too much and looking as it to be the "one". Regardless of it you are aware of it or not, it's subconsciously the same thing as writing the word "Needy" across your forehead.

Not trying to sound like a dick...but dating is just that...dating. You go in with no preconceived notions other than having a good time out. Anymore than that and the other person can tell...I swear it's the truth.

My brother approached each date as it was the girl he would marry after his first divorce, only to end up married and divorced again. But never ever settle for anything as you will always have that in your mind.

When I started dating again, I wasn't looking for anything serious. And I could spot a needy person from a mile away. I looked at it like just throwing darts. Throw a bunch not really caring where they went...and ended up hitting "my" bullseye. It always seems to be the person you have no expectations of that ends up being the one. You never know when it may happen. I was single for 7 years and having a fine time until I got involved again.

Hell I waited a week after a first date with my current wife before even shooting her a text. All I did was ask how she was doing..and I hadn't heard from her. She promptly told me that she was fine, and that she felt like if I wanted to talk...I would contact her. Very independent. So I found out we were a lot alike personality wise.

Nether of us were looking or went out even thinking about what happens past that one night. We were both already happy and confident in our current situation, and knew we didn't need the validation of someone else.

So long story short...go out on the premise of it's all about you having fun. Of course don't be an ass around the other person, but don't start right off trying to show your "Husband Material". All you will do is attract the ones who are just as you described, or ones looking for a meal ticket.

You have to put yourself first. I did and it may seem like a bad thing. But I had been through a lot and didn't care anymore. And the only reason I texted my current wife back was more out of curiosity as she was the first woman who had never texted me after a date. Hell most of the time I went out, I would be getting texts within 3-4 hours of a date ending. That always scared me off!
I get indeed invested, but I try to hide it and keep it to myself. I have to admit that I feel like every time I get less and less invested; so like I said, i'm working on it because I know they can see/feel it. My only expectation is to have a good time with the one I'm dating with. If we dont hit it off, we shake on it and move on. My issues are more related to the fact that the dates where I really want to move on dont; and the opposite is just as true. I try to avoid settling but at times it looks like the only option available if I want to get laid. So yeah, it happens and I end up regretting it. In those times, I try to be as honest as possible with my partner, but feelings always get in the way at one point or another. So I back out.

I think I go on my dates with a light mind; just chit chatting and try to avoid the question/answer type of date; I think it sucks for both parties. And I am not desperate to find "the one", I just try to keep in mind that she's there somewhere. I know how to close a date; but just seem to not be able to close (at least, get something more than just the physical aspect of it) those that looks like gf material. Not gonna use the wife material term as I never got married and most likely never will be, even if I have a few long term relationships.

Mind you, I am 42 years old. I know the game changed in the last 20 some years. I've never been "on the market" and never had to play this kinda game; always met women from "friends of friends" and things just worked. I think i'm doing ok, but just need to buff my dating skills. Now I have to admit I have that bad habit of texting right after the date; which could very well be where I Hara Kiri myself in the process. Not because I want a firm commitment to a second date or else, but more out of curiosity on how things went, making sure she got home ok and stuff like that. But I get that it can be perceived differently.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nyalpine90 View Post
i think you need some time off from dating and find yourself. do the things you like, have fun. When your ready to date, dont go fishing for the right one. Dont rush it trying to find the "one", because it wont happen over night.
When you date, just keep it simple and casual.
Oh I take some time off here and there. Havent been on the market full time during this time. I dont hesitate to take a break when I feel I need it. And I prefer not to meet if i'm not into it.
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      09-19-2019, 08:34 AM   #4630
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you should do this when you take a girl out on a date lol

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MaximusJ

you should do this when you take a girl out on a date lol

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      09-19-2019, 09:07 AM   #4632
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I was about to talk to someone about my current situation; but if i'm about to pay someone I dont know to get his opinion, why not try it here first. So here we go. Sorry in advance if that's a lot of information in one post; but i'm laying things down on the table as I see them.

I think i'm caught in a dating spiral. I'm out of a 10 years relationship for almost a year and a half now; after a couple years living together while it was officially over. Since then, i've got a few interesting dates, but every time a "girlfriend material" date happens, it never works out both ways. Long story short, when I'm into someone, its never reciprocal. I've saw some of those that I was considering "average / Lets see what happens" a few times, sometimes even starting something that starts like a relationship; only to realize a few weeks in that "I could do better"; and opting out of this semi-relationship. Not that I want to play games, or get what I could then run; but I feel that my mind is sometimes ready to "settle" on my available options and once it's going on, I change my mind and prefer to be patient; hoping that the right one will eventually show up. I'm caught in this spiral for almost a year now.

I know I do stuff that scares people away, but i'm working on it. When there's a strong connection pre-date, I get exited easily, anticipate a lot and I kinda prefer to being exited easily compared to be bored of it and think I already know where this will go.

Mind you, Except from that, I think I'm a very decent guy to date. I threat women well, I am not an asshole or a douche. Average looks; but a bit on the good side; good and decent paying job, great values, family guy, man of his word, not too intrusive, I respect boundaries, very respectful and I never do to others what I dont like being done to me; but I have to admit I got a good 20 pounds to lose (My ideal weight for my size is 195 pounds). But I think I wear that weight ok; still. I am sure that the right one, the last one, is right around the corner, but that will to chase the dream date/relationship makes me skip on people that cares a lot about me. This habit is kinda killing my fun of dating because right now i'm running in circles. I am ready to commit, but not in a rush either; but speaking to people that plays the game is kinda grinding my gears; so to say.

So all this comes to two questions; how do you avoid the "settling" situation. To me it's hard because I know you cant find the complete package somewhere; they're mostly all married with 12 kids, you have to lose some to get some. But every time I end up in a similar situation, I focus on the bad and forget the good. So I end up refusing to settle.

And the second one would be; in a dating world where if you dont text first, you dont get anything in return, how can you stop chasing? The dating sites here looks like there's 3 guys for every single gal available. I sometimes feel like if you dont chase, you already lost; how do you guys do it? I hate to push and chase, but sometimes that's the only way you'll end up with a solid date.

Thanks for reading this; and also for your kind thoughts about my situation. I think that if I dont change anything, I will be in that same situation 5 years from now. I feel like I deserve more from this dating situation.
Sounds like you might have FOMO aka grass is always greener on the other side...till you get there. You might have unrealistic expectations
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      09-19-2019, 09:19 AM   #4633
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MaximusJ I agree with everything that everyone else above has stated. In addition, here is my advice. Delete the dating apps. They are a feeding frenzy. Women are looking for affirmation that they are attractive, some are looking for meaningless sex, some are truly looking for a serious relationship (but they are so inundated with guys who only look good while being stupid or only want sex) that they are missing the mark. Stay off internet dating completely unless you are just looking to get laid, and from what I hear, that is getting more and more difficult to do.

I'm 42 as well and the dating scene is an absolute nightmare anymore. You come across as intelligent and level headed, however; you also seem too eager to find someone. As others have stated above, take some time off. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, accept the fact that you may never find someone and learn to live life for yourself without looking for "the one." When you get comfortable with who you are and get to a point where you really don't even want to date, is when you end up finding the person that best suits you. It's funny that this is how it happens, but it seems that it's always the case.

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and an excerpt from the book states, "The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience."

Don't stress it and don't pay to talk to anyone about it. Step away from the dating scene, delete the apps and do things that make you happy.

Down-low, dirty advice. Get your ass in a gym and lose those 20 pounds. This will give your brain something to focus on instead of women. Get focused on it and let your goals consume you. You'll drop that weight, increase your self esteem and women will start noticing you more. This also helps in the process of getting to know people. Once you start going to the gym, you will start to encounter people that go to the same gym. Continuing to see these people on a regular basis gets them familiar with you, this in turn, leads to eye contact and potentially non-forced conversations. Simply going up to a woman that you find attractive and trying to talk to her is not going to work. (In some cases it does, but it's extremely rare.) The more a woman sees you, the more comfortable she is going to be getting to know you. Even if you don't start talking to someone from the gym, you're losing that weight, getting in shape and getting re-familiarized with actual people and not people from apps.

Also, the first thing to understand, when it comes to women, isn't how you dress, how you look, how you speak, whether or not you are a good guy, etc. EVERYTHING is based off their emotions. Now, with that being said, if how you dress, how you look, how you speak, etc. makes them feel a certain way about you, they will let you know. Once they let you know they are interested, they will let you know to what degree their interest lies, purely physical, relationship material and whatnot. You have to understand that different women want different things. Some like clean cut business type guys, some like masculine, tattoo'd, jeans and t-shirt guys. My advice, be somewhere in the middle. Have the ability to pull off the intelligent, clean cut, classy, gentleman, but also be that bad boy that women want to throw themselves at....but don't even focus on this right now. Take some time off, find some activities that make you happy (btw, women will ask what you do in your downtime or what hobbies you have, they will want to be a part of it when you start dating someone regularly) and reinvent yourself. Focus on you right now, you have the rest of life to waste on someone you will eventually hate after it's all said and done.

Good luck, report back and let us know how things are going or if you have any questions that we can help with.
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      09-19-2019, 09:22 AM   #4634
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Originally Posted by nyalpine90 View Post
MaximusJ

you should do this when you take a girl out on a date lol

It works. This is one of my regular quotes, body language and all.
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      09-19-2019, 09:29 AM   #4635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Now_Rudi View Post
MaximusJ I agree with everything that everyone else above has stated. In addition, here is my advice. Delete the dating apps. They are a feeding frenzy. Women are looking for affirmation that they are attractive, some are looking for meaningless sex, some are truly looking for a serious relationship (but they are so inundated with guys who only look good while being stupid or only want sex) that they are missing the mark. Stay off internet dating completely unless you are just looking to get laid, and from what I hear, that is getting more and more difficult to do.

I'm 42 as well and the dating scene is an absolute nightmare anymore. You come across as intelligent and level headed, however; you also seem too eager to find someone. As others have stated above, take some time off. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, accept the fact that you may never find someone and learn to live life for yourself without looking for "the one." When you get comfortable with who you are and get to a point where you really don't even want to date, is when you end up finding the person that best suits you. It's funny that this is how it happens, but it seems that it's always the case.

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and an excerpt from the book states, "The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience."

Don't stress it and don't pay to talk to anyone about it. Step away from the dating scene, delete the apps and do things that make you happy.

Down-low, dirty advice. Get your ass in a gym and lose those 20 pounds. This will give your brain something to focus on instead of women. Get focused on it and let your goals consume you. You'll drop that weight, increase your self esteem and women will start noticing you more. This also helps in the process of getting to know people. Once you start going to the gym, you will start to encounter people that go to the same gym. Continuing to see these people on a regular basis gets them familiar with you, this in turn, leads to eye contact and potentially non-forced conversations. Simply going up to a woman that you find attractive and trying to talk to her is not going to work. (In some cases it does, but it's extremely rare.) The more a woman sees you, the more comfortable she is going to be getting to know you. Even if you don't start talking to someone from the gym, you're losing that weight, getting in shape and getting re-familiarized with actual people and not people from apps.

Also, the first thing to understand, when it comes to women, isn't how you dress, how you look, how you speak, whether or not you are a good guy, etc. EVERYTHING is based off their emotions. Now, with that being said, if how you dress, how you look, how you speak, etc. makes them feel a certain way about you, they will let you know. Once they let you know they are interested, they will let you know to what degree their interest lies, purely physical, relationship material and whatnot. You have to understand that different women want different things. Some like clean cut business type guys, some like masculine, tattoo'd, jeans and t-shirt guys. My advice, be somewhere in the middle. Have the ability to pull off the intelligent, clean cut, classy, gentleman, but also be that bad boy that women want to throw themselves at....but don't even focus on this right now. Take some time off, find some activities that make you happy (btw, women will ask what you do in your downtime or what hobbies you have, they will want to be a part of it when you start dating someone regularly) and reinvent yourself. Focus on you right now, you have the rest of life to waste on someone you will eventually hate after it's all said and done.

Good luck, report back and let us know how things are going or if you have any questions that we can help with.

Solid advice right here. My life was consumed with plenty of other things aside from dating when I went through my phase (29-36).

And I have always been a "meat-head"...so I'm not saying you have to sell your soul in the gym. But you need to have a safe place that is yours and will always be there. I been through a lot of shit in my life and the gym was my safe place. And I love the following from Henry Rollins:

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.
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      09-19-2019, 09:33 AM   #4636
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Originally Posted by Rmtt View Post
Solid advice right here. My life was consumed with plenty of other things aside from dating when I went through my phase (29-36).

And I have always been a "meat-head"...so I'm not saying you have to sell your soul in the gym. But you need to have a safe place that is yours and will always be there. I been through a lot of shit in my life and the gym was my safe place. And I love the following from Henry Rollins:

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.
That's a great F'n quote!!!
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      09-19-2019, 09:36 AM   #4637
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That's a great F'n quote!!!
I feel like it somehow relates to the fat shaming thread. "200 lbs is 200 lbs"
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      09-19-2019, 09:36 AM   #4638
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MaximusJ I agree with everything that everyone else above has stated. In addition, here is my advice. Delete the dating apps. They are a feeding frenzy. Women are looking for affirmation that they are attractive, some are looking for meaningless sex, some are truly looking for a serious relationship (but they are so inundated with guys who only look good while being stupid or only want sex) that they are missing the mark. Stay off internet dating completely unless you are just looking to get laid, and from what I hear, that is getting more and more difficult to do.

I'm 42 as well and the dating scene is an absolute nightmare anymore. You come across as intelligent and level headed, however; you also seem too eager to find someone. As others have stated above, take some time off. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, accept the fact that you may never find someone and learn to live life for yourself without looking for "the one." When you get comfortable with who you are and get to a point where you really don't even want to date, is when you end up finding the person that best suits you. It's funny that this is how it happens, but it seems that it's always the case.

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and an excerpt from the book states, "The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience."

Don't stress it and don't pay to talk to anyone about it. Step away from the dating scene, delete the apps and do things that make you happy.

Down-low, dirty advice. Get your ass in a gym and lose those 20 pounds. This will give your brain something to focus on instead of women. Get focused on it and let your goals consume you. You'll drop that weight, increase your self esteem and women will start noticing you more. This also helps in the process of getting to know people. Once you start going to the gym, you will start to encounter people that go to the same gym. Continuing to see these people on a regular basis gets them familiar with you, this in turn, leads to eye contact and potentially non-forced conversations. Simply going up to a woman that you find attractive and trying to talk to her is not going to work. (In some cases it does, but it's extremely rare.) The more a woman sees you, the more comfortable she is going to be getting to know you. Even if you don't start talking to someone from the gym, you're losing that weight, getting in shape and getting re-familiarized with actual people and not people from apps.

Also, the first thing to understand, when it comes to women, isn't how you dress, how you look, how you speak, whether or not you are a good guy, etc. EVERYTHING is based off their emotions. Now, with that being said, if how you dress, how you look, how you speak, etc. makes them feel a certain way about you, they will let you know. Once they let you know they are interested, they will let you know to what degree their interest lies, purely physical, relationship material and whatnot. You have to understand that different women want different things. Some like clean cut business type guys, some like masculine, tattoo'd, jeans and t-shirt guys. My advice, be somewhere in the middle. Have the ability to pull off the intelligent, clean cut, classy, gentleman, but also be that bad boy that women want to throw themselves at....but don't even focus on this right now. Take some time off, find some activities that make you happy (btw, women will ask what you do in your downtime or what hobbies you have, they will want to be a part of it when you start dating someone regularly) and reinvent yourself. Focus on you right now, you have the rest of life to waste on someone you will eventually hate after it's all said and done.

Good luck, report back and let us know how things are going or if you have any questions that we can help with.
Funny thing is; that's what I did all summer ahah. I ended up being shadowbanned from tinder since I was deleting the app every now and then. So I just stayed off for a while. Spent time with the kids; did what I wanted to do (I had 5 weeks off work and did just that) I know its a jungle out there and I find it pretty easy to get laid; when that's what you want/need. But i'm at a point where I want more. I had my share of those dates in the first 6-9 months of being single. But I agree with you that it looks like that's all there is to get on these sites. It's getting tough to get noticed when decent women gets 150+ likes or messages a day.

Deleting the apps is indeed a mental break and it feels good not to have the pressure to feel the need to answer when somebody send me a message. But otherwise, I dont know how I'd be able to meet someone. I dont go out anymore, always do the groceries on a rush, all my friends are busy making babies; so the odds of that "out of the box" encounter are not very high.

I was also contemplating getting back in proper shape instead of losing my time on the apps. But again, my gym is at home; so chances of speaking to someone new are non existent ;p But I get what you mean. It's all about focusing on something that is right and deserving.

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Originally Posted by Rmtt View Post
The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.
Love this.
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      09-19-2019, 09:44 AM   #4639
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Funny thing is; that's what I did all summer ahah. I ended up being shadowbanned from tinder since I was deleting the app every now and then. So I just stayed off for a while. Spent time with the kids; did what I wanted to do (I had 5 weeks off work and did just that) I know its a jungle out there and I find it pretty easy to get laid; when that's what you want/need. But i'm at a point where I want more. I had my share of those dates in the first 6-9 months of being single. But I agree with you that it looks like that's all there is to get on these sites. It's getting tough to get noticed when decent women gets 150+ likes or messages a day.

Deleting the apps is indeed a mental break and it feels good not to have the pressure to feel the need to answer when somebody send me a message. But otherwise, I dont know how I'd be able to meet someone. I dont go out anymore, always do the groceries on a rush, all my friends are busy making babies; so the odds of that "out of the box" encounter are not very high.

I was also contemplating getting back in proper shape instead of losing my time on the apps. But again, my gym is at home; so chances of speaking to someone new are non existent ;p But I get what you mean. It's all about focusing on something that is right and deserving.



Love this.
Although your gym may be at home, get involved in something. A friend of mine recently started taking various classes at a gym, boxing, cycling, etc. Join something that gets you around other people. You may not find the person you are looking for there, but those people know people....who know people. I've had several people, from the gym I go to, try to fix me up with friends of theirs.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have known each other for years before we started dating, so it was one of those type things. Any serious relationship that I have ever been in, has been with someone that I had known prior to us dating. I've found that meeting someone knew and dating from there never really works out. This is why it's important to get out, do something and while you're doing it, network.

Sounds like you've go this man. Just be patient and stay the course.
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      09-19-2019, 09:56 AM   #4640
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I will say that although I never used dating apps....my brother did end up finding his current wife on E-Harmony.

He said he tried all the other ones, but the people he met on that site were much more relatable to him. He thinks it's because he said when you create a profile...there is almost 30-45 minutes of stuff to fill out about yourself.

And he figured that if others took the time to put all that information in, then they at least had to be serious about what they wanted out of everything.

He believes all the other ones are just for hooking up, and that the E-Harmony site was where the ones who were ready to settle down went to.

I have no clue, but this one he has now is a lot more compatible for him than any of the others!
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      09-19-2019, 09:56 AM   #4641
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Originally Posted by Now_Rudi View Post
Any serious relationship that I have ever been in, has been with someone that I had known prior to us dating. I've found that meeting someone knew and dating from there never really works out. This is why it's important to get out, do something and while you're doing it, network.
I'm in the same boat. Always had that good friend who thought it was a shame that I was single and had a good friend with who i'd be a good fit. I've figured I'd take the matter in my own hands this time; but it's not working. There's definitely a glitch in the matrix
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      09-19-2019, 09:58 AM   #4642
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That's a great F'n quote!!!
Yeah...he's got quite a few good things out there. People would look at him and not think he would have the perspective he does just based on how he looks.
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